I had an appointment with the audiologist today...

I had an appointment with the audiologist today and, while it wasn't what I hoped, it confirmed what I really already knew. I have had a significant drop. My last full audi exam was in '08, so here is how it compares (frequency: '08 result/today's result/amount of change, NMR = no measurable response):

Right ear:
250 Hz: 15 dB / 20 dB / -5
500 Hz: 15 dB / 20 dB / -5
1000 Hz: 20 dB / 40 dB / -20
2000 Hz: 55 dB / 70 dB / -15
4000 Hz: 80 dB / 110 dB / -30
6000 Hz: 75 dB / NMR / >-35
8000 Hz: 70 dB / NMR / >-40

Left ear:
250 Hz: 20 dB / 25 dB / -5
500 Hz: 25 dB / 30 dB / -10
1000 Hz: 45 dB / 50 dB / -10
2000 Hz: 55 dB / 65 dB / -10
4000 Hz: 85 dB / 110 dB / -25
6000 Hz: 100 dB / NMR / >-10*
8000 Hz: 100 dB / NMR / >-10*

*I only think these weren't any worse because they were so close to non-existent before.

So, this is the first time I have had a test where there were frequencies that were absolutely, totally gone. Before, they may have been jet-engine loud, but hey, there was still *something* there! I have known for a while that I wasn't hearing as well, but to see it confirmed in black and white is just hard. No, it's more than hard, IT SUCKS! (And I hate that word, my kids get in trouble for saying it so don't tell them Mommy used that word here, okay?)

I left the audi's office and went and browsed a bookstore for a while just to give myself time to absorb it. Thankfully, my mom had the kids so I had a rare few minutes alone, plus my cell phone battery had died, so I had a good excuse not to have to call and explain my results to anyone right away. It makes it more real when you tell someone else, you know.

We have new insurance that has coverage for hearing aids, which was one of the reasons I scheduled this appointment, to see if power aids might give me more benefit. The audi said he really didn't think they would help much more than what I was getting from the aids I had now, since I was getting fair amplification in the ranges where my hearing was still registering.

I asked about a CI and especially what he knew or thought about the new hybrids. The audi said it would be worth a consultation and suggested I call the clinic doing the trials for the hybrid CI. I am not sure I am quite ready to go that route yet, but I am closer than I was. It never hurts to gather information.

Mostly I am just tired. I am tired of being the one to make my hearing loss look 'easy', the one to make all the accomodations in communicating, the one putting forth all the effort. The audi told me those words I have heard many times that I now cringe at: "I don't 'look' like my loss". In other words, I cope really, really well for as significant as a loss as I have. It doesn't mean I hear any better, just that I have found ways to not let on to other people that I don't hear, and tonight that is not something I am proud of. Part of me just wants to leave my aids in a box and start being deaf so no one else will expect me to hear!

I am in the midst of a huge pity party and in a few days the world will be okay again, but tonight I am in mourning for all those dB's that I heard as recently as two years ago that now are no longer accessible to me, that sliver of sound between '08's slope and today's lines on a grid that means much more than just a mere pen mark. It's a slice of more consanants I won't hear, more meaning that will fly over my head, more requests for something to be repeated because I didn't quite catch that. I am mourning the connection to my loved ones, the accquaintances that might have become close friends and the people I haven't met yet that I may pass by because I don't want to trouble them with the effort it takes to communicate in my world, my not-quite-deaf-but-definitely far-from-hearing world. And today it just got a little farther...